Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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