plz talk dirty to me
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
