I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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