I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
