im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
