Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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