mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
