and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
