the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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