Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
