So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
