I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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