Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
