Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
