You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
