the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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