1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
