If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
