If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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