Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
