I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
