I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
