when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
too bad you live with your parents still
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
