i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
