He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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