my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
