and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
