yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
