I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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