dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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