my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He felt like a one man threesome
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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