we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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