I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
