my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
