So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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