I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
