I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
