I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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