did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
