Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
