i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
