i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
