i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
