angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
