mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
