matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
