Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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