Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
