At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She announced her abortion via fbk
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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