she was so not down for the gang bang
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
