We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
