I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
