I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
