my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
