I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
