Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
