I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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