i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize