Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
