i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
