Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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