You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
