im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
