He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just had sex on a roof
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
